dc today

bobo in a laser light show thing

i played around in dc today with my sister and her friend from school. it was pretty cold - cold enough that my legs started to itch (this was also because my jeans/pants are quite possibly tighter than my skin). i had never been to the national portrait gallery/smithsonian museum of american art - and i need to return with a whole day to devote. if i had been feeling artistically worthy before today, it is no longer the case. john copley and gilbert stuart saw to that. 

tomorrow i have a funeral on my plate. and, later, a drive to the farthest reaches of the state. i am literally guaranteed to have a panic attack on the road. 

as an adequate measure of my mother's ongoing domination of my life, i will provide the following example: that, even now as an adult, she is requiring that i wear a helmet snowboarding, even though it restricts my neck motion so i can't see as well. AND makes me look like a loser. which i am, so i guess i shouldn't fault her for that part. 

leslie loves to show off her brain

penn station crisis en route to richmond

things have changed

so apparently this is connected to my gmail account. let's always keep this in mind, both as i write and as you read...or i guess, truth be told, as i read. 

2007 hasn't exactly treated me with the kindness that i know i deserve. pretty early on, a relationship that had once existed long-distance, became a walking-distance situation...and a few months later died painfully (and undeservedly). only weeks later, i was called "sloppy" and "immature." days after that, i ran home to a sad, summer existence based out of my parents' house: working as the lowly design floor girl, from 7:30 to 4, monday to friday, in a local factory. thus, i couldn't stay out late with the cool kids, for fear of falling asleep at my job the next day. 

the "cool kids" weren't so cool, as it turns out. i foolishly believed that they cared about me in any meaningful way beyond my access to a nice car. one of these, in particular, treated me like a secret burden - the very threat of revealing my captive status kept me in my place for months. in summary, the experience stole my soul. in fact, as i type this, i am still being tormented by this cool guy - too cool to even acknowledge a relationship beyond friendship ever existed. it hurts me. 

i couldn't find happiness in the clubs. 

i couldn't find happiness sitting alone in my new apartment.

i couldn't even find happiness in my art. 

i certainly couldn't make myself memorable

i certainly didn't find happiness in my northern reincarnation of the cool guy. this time, at least, i was able to distance myself far enough emotionally to survive. barely. 

i think one of my teachers wants to date me. and for SOME reason, this doesn't really make me feel any better. 

how i will be able to piece myself back together into a self-respecting person remains to be seen. 

TO BE FAIR,

i DID learn how to paint (so maybe someday i will be able to visually cope with the trauma of 2007)

i did buy several expensive pieces of clothing/accessories/shoes/electronics/paints that made me happy for a considerable amount of time - because i am shallow. 

and i did spend much more of my time this fall with my sister - who i love dearly - than i did last year. and for a few beautiful, short evenings her schoolmates made me feel worthy and, just maybe, special.  (maybe even memorable, but this might be a stretch)

but, in the final tally, i was rejected more often than i was accepted. a perfect, concise summary of 2007.

leslie loves being loved.